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The Hardest Truth of All
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The Hardest Truth of All You all know that feeling. The racing heart, the shortness of breath, gaze fixed in someone’s eyes as the world melts away and the only thing that seems to matter at all is having them close pressed against you, like you want to be inside them. Or have them inside you. If you don’t see or hear from them for a day it seems like a week and everything else is just killing time until you can be with them again. For many of us, talking about, or re-creating this feeling is partly why we are here. When it is a good effect, when it turns you into who you want to be, and when there is truth, then it can be wonderful. But without the truth it is a temporary wonderful at best. It is very easy to tell one person the whole truth, and be the true you. Not so easy to tell it to more than one person at the same time. Even if it does come to you pure, with no impediments, no what if’s, no consequences, it’s still as dangerous as a cliff-top path on a dark night. But if it comes with a proviso – like “as long as it stays a secret” - it can never end well. That’s something Gothic Girl once said to me. “We both want each other, but I can’t see any way in which it would ever end well.” Wise words for one so young, words I still feel hanging in the air whenever I hear from her. It’s funny how a memory can be stirred up. I was watching tv the other day and some character in a show said “without truth, there can be no love.” It dragged me back in time like finding a long forgotten teddy bear in the attic. Way back to when I first met The Lioness, goodness knows how long ago now. I remember being fully submerged in my headlong downstream tumble into love with her, but nothing had actually happened between us. Yet. We told each other, “If we just keep it light, no one will get hurt.” We thought we were being so mature. Idiots. Idiots who fitted together like pieces of hot toast soaking up butter and honey, and tasted just as good too, but deluded idiots just the same. In a kind of dimly lit premonition I could see where would lead, but I wouldn’t let myself believe it. I even wrote a song lyric at the time, “if we rush in, are we the angels or fools…?” It’s like a drug addiction – you think you can control it, but you never can. Everyone else can see the effect on you but you are completely oblivious. When you see it in others of course you want to warn them. They aren’t going to be able to listen though, and you certainly don’t listen to yourself. I remember a guy I vaguely knew who obviously could see I was mentally all over the place. He asked me what was wrong, and for some reason I confided in him. He told me he had once had an affair but it hadn’t ended well. He said - his exact words, I remember them clearly although I barely knew him and have not seen him for twenty years - “Don’t do it. I guarantee it will fuck you up.” Of course, what did he know? He didn’t know me, he didn’t know how I felt. Looking back though, I can see now, he’d been there. He knew. Of course, even the memory of something which went wrong can still be worth it. I wouldn’t change any of the times I have felt like it was the end of the world. Maybe I have just been very lucky. There is that trite old adage isn’t there? “The truth will set you free.” I suppose that is right. It sounds as if it should be right, although it isn’t one of my favourite sayings. And to quote myself, “there is always a price.” Especially for freedom. But that comment about there being no love without truth…..that made me think. I think it says something special. If you really love someone it should be easier to tell them the truth. But somehow it isn’t always. Sometimes you just can’t tell them the absolute, unvarnished, whole truth, and I think when that happens you can feel your love go quieter. One reason for that might be because actually you don’t love them in quite the way you want to. And you are frightened they won’t love the bits of you that even you aren’t quite sure of. You love what they mean to you, and you want what’s best for them, but you want what you want too. And then you realise that the other reason is because first, you have to tell the whole truth to yourself. |
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This last paragraph reminded me of the Kelly Clarkson song "Dark Side." The whole song has always resonated with me, not because I have a dark side per se, although I've had my moments...but because to be able to feel truly free to speak your entire truth with another person has been a rare experience. It's happened a couple of times where I know that I was :free to be" It is an amazing feeling. I didn't have it with my X. But I did with one of my FWBs after the divorce. I think for me, I know that I can be silly and talk a lot and even write a lot sometimes. I like to be able to talk about my relationships completely with my best friend. I like to sing and let music move me. But this is me. I want that freedom next time around to know that I'm accepted exactly for all of who I am, and the guy just looks at me and knows he is smitten with all of it. Here is the first verse: Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know It's not pretty there and few have ever gone If I show it to you now Will it make you run away? The tune is also one that affects me as well... Happy Hump Day Dreamer!
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This last paragraph reminded me of the Kelly Clarkson song "Dark Side." The whole song has always resonated with me, not because I have a dark side per se, although I've had my moments...but because to be able to feel truly free to speak your entire truth with another person has been a rare experience. It's happened a couple of times where I know that I was :free to be" It is an amazing feeling. I didn't have it with my X. But I did with one of my FWBs after the divorce. I think for me, I know that I can be silly and talk a lot and even write a lot sometimes. I like to be able to talk about my relationships completely with my best friend. I like to sing and let music move me. But this is me. I want that freedom next time around to know that I'm accepted exactly for all of who I am, and the guy just looks at me and knows he is smitten with all of it. Here is the first verse: Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know It's not pretty there and few have ever gone If I show it to you now Will it make you run away? The tune is also one that affects me as well... Happy Hump Day Dreamer! The funny thing is, everyone does have a dark side of a sort, and most of us find the occasional glimpses of someone else's dark side quite attractive, and yet we are always so scared of our own, and what people's reaction to it might be.......
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When the truth is already, or simply just instinctively known, love can become gloriously deep. Maybe the trick is to notice when the temptation to keep the wrong kind of secret begins, because in one way or another, it always will.
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Thanks PC
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Oh no....I am so sorry to hear you have gut wring......it's so horrible. I really really do sympathise. But I'm here to tell you, as if you didn't know, somehow if you hang in there long enough, it goes away in the end. I am gut-wring clear at the moment, and have been for a while, so I am living proof!
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Sometimes... when you feel your love go quieter... your partner's love has gone quieter too... and two lives intertwined... both just existing... both afraid to say the truth... neither happy... "steal-mate" Elevate me... 
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Sometimes... when you feel your love go quieter... your partner's love has gone quieter too... and two lives intertwined... both just existing... both afraid to say the truth... neither happy... "steal-mate"
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i could've written this myself! but then, it wouldn't sound like this, of course! lol  i haven't been in many relationships... just the one... and i've analyzed it to bits and more... and i always come to the same conclusion - the missing ingredient was Honesty. We weren't honest with each other. We weren't honest with ourselves. And if others around us saw the truth... they too hid it. Because we didn't hear it from any of them. Just one man, who told my EX that he didn't think it would work out... EX asked him what he should do about it... and that man told him to go ahead with it and see what happens. I'm glad i do not know where that man lives. I don't know the reason for his dishonesty... perhaps he couldn't face his own truth. I know my reason - i'd lied to myself long enough that i didn't know the truth anymore. I did sense it, deep in my gut... but i ignored it, because i didn't trust it. facing your own truth... is another kind of gut-wringer... because it makes you feel so, so, so sick. and when you find it so hard to forgive yourself, it's hard to believe that your friend can still keep on loving you in the same way if they knew the whole truth. i suppose, it is a risk to tell the truth, because it IS possible that they'll stop loving you... but... i've come to the conclusion that it's a worthy risk, because... i couldn't live with myself if i was hiding things... and sadly, i cannot divorce myself. --Author Unknown
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i could've written this myself! but then, it wouldn't sound like this, of course! lol i haven't been in many relationships... just the one... and i've analyzed it to bits and more... and i always come to the same conclusion - the missing ingredient was Honesty. We weren't honest with each other. We weren't honest with ourselves. And if others around us saw the truth... they too hid it. Because we didn't hear it from any of them. Just one man, who told my EX that he didn't think it would work out... EX asked him what he should do about it... and that man told him to go ahead with it and see what happens. I'm glad i do not know where that man lives. I don't know the reason for his dishonesty... perhaps he couldn't face his own truth. I know my reason - i'd lied to myself long enough that i didn't know the truth anymore. I did sense it, deep in my gut... but i ignored it, because i didn't trust it. facing your own truth... is another kind of gut-wringer... because it makes you feel so, so, so sick. and when you find it so hard to forgive yourself, it's hard to believe that your friend can still keep on loving you in the same way if they knew the whole truth. i suppose, it is a risk to tell the truth, because it IS possible that they'll stop loving you... but... i've come to the conclusion that it's a worthy risk, because... i couldn't live with myself if i was hiding things... and sadly, i cannot divorce myself. But I know I was also talking to myself, and reading what you say about how it is for you made me realise that even more. What if it is hard to listen to your own truth because it involves another person (different to the other person referred to above, just in case she is reading this and gets confused ) and the other person sort of knows the truth but doesn't want to think about it or deal with it? How honest is that? I don't know - I am completely floundering about in trying to work out how I feel about this and what to do about it, but I have been that way for years though, so it's nothing new!
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knowing the truth - either about yourself or someone else... changes a LOT of things. for instance - I just found out that the man who played the father, in the tv series called Seventh Heaven - molested several underage girls... two of them, over several years, one of them as young as 11 yrs. some of the things that he did were identical to what happened to me. but there was a difference. this actor guy, is tall and handsome, and it's hard to believe he could be such a creep. the man who molested me, was short and black and looked like a creep. I found it incredibly hard to 'judge' them both the same way, and I was quite upset that I couldn't ever watch 7th heaven again - well - not that I ever did, but you know, if I ever wanted to, I'd be seeing a short, black, indian man in place of the tall handsome American man. and all this... brought out a piece of truth about myself - which I didn't want to admit to - that I DO judge based on externals, and would dish out a harsher punishment for a less attractive person or that I'd be willing to take more crap from a more attractive person... I don't know if it says anything else about me... but I'm not happy with what I DID see about myself - because the nature of the crime is identical and the kind of damage caused by the crime is identical - and the way I felt should've been identical... but it wasn't. otoh - is it because it happened to someone else, and not me, that I think it's not as bad? if so... that's not a pleasant thing to admit to either!  ok .. I've no idea if what I wrote is related to anything you said... but I'm leaving it. cuz you're my friend. lol --Author Unknown
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knowing the truth - either about yourself or someone else... changes a LOT of things. for instance - I just found out that the man who played the father, in the tv series called Seventh Heaven - molested several underage girls... two of them, over several years, one of them as young as 11 yrs. some of the things that he did were identical to what happened to me. but there was a difference. this actor guy, is tall and handsome, and it's hard to believe he could be such a creep. the man who molested me, was short and black and looked like a creep. I found it incredibly hard to 'judge' them both the same way, and I was quite upset that I couldn't ever watch 7th heaven again - well - not that I ever did, but you know, if I ever wanted to, I'd be seeing a short, black, indian man in place of the tall handsome American man. and all this... brought out a piece of truth about myself - which I didn't want to admit to - that I DO judge based on externals, and would dish out a harsher punishment for a less attractive person or that I'd be willing to take more crap from a more attractive person... I don't know if it says anything else about me... but I'm not happy with what I DID see about myself - because the nature of the crime is identical and the kind of damage caused by the crime is identical - and the way I felt should've been identical... but it wasn't. otoh - is it because it happened to someone else, and not me, that I think it's not as bad? if so... that's not a pleasant thing to admit to either! ok .. I've no idea if what I wrote is related to anything you said... but I'm leaving it. cuz you're my friend. lol I don't think we ought to ever be too hard on ourselves for the things which we feel - after all it is pretty well impossible to control your feelings and actually I wouldn't want to. So as long as you know that your feelings might be affecting your judgement, that's fine. It's not that you think the same abuse is actually worse because it happened to you - you know it isn't, but it just feels worse, which is totally understandable. But what you can control is how you act on your feelings, so if you were ever in a position to decide on the punishment someone should receive then you probably ought to make the same decision irrespective of their appearance and whether it happened to you or to someone else. Otherwise, just accept the way you feel for what it is, "Feelings, nothing more than feelings." (There's a song about that. )
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