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Sex is like Shakespeare
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Sex is like Shakespeare Everyone agrees its great but no one really likes it . Sometimes I believe that but then I'm a woozy mofo . In other news woozy is now slag for crazy . And slag is slang for slang . First , in honor of Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month ; Its official Asian is the best race Second , I am normally hardcore against people dressing up their pets , but this is awesome (and not nasty porn which I am trying to shy away from)  Third , the blog . Computers are not magic . If you are a lazy worthless sack of crumbcake who doesn't want to do your job then CAN make a program that will do if for you - but YOU have to be able to tell the programmer what you want this program to do . I want to scream that right in people's faces all day lately . Also anyone who starts a sentence with "I don't think you realize how hard I work" should be dragon kicked in the ear by me , 40deuce . Also I remembered by I wrote "bucket" on my blogpad the other day - I was going to write about a sexual bucket list (or fuckit list as some degenerates day) . I didn't think I had one , but I do want to have sex with a royal before I die (which will be April 3rd , 2075 - mark your calendars !) . Preferably a queen of course , but a princess would also be good . I won't go any lower than Duchess though . Obviously I would certainly have sex with a Baroness (especially THE Baroness) or a Margavine or what have you , but it would not be the fulfillment of my dream . Now the part where I'm a huge asshole . A lady at work got her hair done the other day - this was cause for a huge amount of attention form other ladies , because you know , its a big deal . In particular the crazy old lady who did tons of mescaline in the 70's who gets on my nerves all the damn time was going on , and on , and on , AND ON about it . Now one of my few good features is that I now that I'm a bad person so I try to keep to myself and not inflict my personality on others . But Old Lady Mescaline has to drag me into this garbage . "40 , don't you think Blonde Girl #5's hair looks great ? 40 , what do you think of her hair ? You love it right 40 ? Don't you think its great ?" For the record it actually looked awful - I don't know if its some kind of new style or what , but it sucked balls . Normally I would swallow my pride and just lie "Yes , its very nice" I might say unconvincingly . But I was sick of the whole thing , and sick of Old Lady Mescaline , so I told the truth . "I don't care for it myself ." For some reason this hurt Blonde Girl #5's feelings even though we've never spoken to each other once and have no association whatever . Which only made me more enraged . I very much wanted to say something like ; "I'm sorry , did I say I didn't care for it ? I mean that it's horrible and it makes you look horrible . You used to be really cute but with that haircut you look awful . Whoever did that to you owes you an apology because you are ugly now and no one likes you ." But I didn't . I should probably talk to my therapist about that . I get really angry when people care about my opinions . Now for the part where I'm less of an asshole . In the futuristic American classic Demolition Man , there is a sex scene wherein the two main characters awkwardly sit across from each other on a sofa and wear VR headsets to simulate the activity rather than forcing us to watch Sylvester Stallone crush a 29 year old Sandy Bullock in his oily meat hooks . This future brain-helmet sex manipulates neurons and alpha waves , allowing the participants to stimulate each other without ever having to physically touch , which you may recognize as completely defeating the purpose . But that's just bad early 90s sci-fi , right ? Well , Durex recently unveiled their newest and most innovative brand - Fundawear , vibrating underwear controlled via smartphone app to keep you and your long-distance significant other from masturbating like normal human beings . Or , more likely, to fingerblast some stranger you just met on the Fundawear forums . Durex is so confident in their product that they even made a demo video to show it off . At first glance , it looks great , but about a minute in , we begin to see the chinks in the armor . At 0:42 the girl asks her partner to touch her . He gets his phone and with a simple tap , the girl jumps backward and grabs her boob , bursting out into laughter (which happens a lot when I touch a lady in real life too) "It's like when you grope me , only without the greasy residue !" So far so good , right ? Then at 0:52 he starts swiping his finger along the bathing suit region of his Fundawear app , and she reacts accordingly . Nothing mixes with "intimacy" like distance and cold , heartless machines . At 1:07 she doubles over in enjoyment , and we are convinced we have seen mankind's glorious future . Now , around 1:08 , the woman starts vigorously touching her phone , asking him (boobily) "Can you feel that ?" His reaction ? "Yeah ?" And where have we seen that exact look of disappointment before ? Yeah . Demolition Man . Stallone face . That is the antithesis of sexual arousal . The most we get out of him is at 1:17 - the woman asks him if he can feel it (since it doesn't seem like he's feeling anything at all) and he merely responds "It makes it hard to concentrate ." Like he's trying to read a book and she won't turn her music down . Nothing gets a man off like mild irritation mu auntie always said (not to me though because that would have been odd) . So while she's squirming around and giggling uncontrollably , the guy basically smiles and plays along , eventually leaning back on the couch in what is a clear nonverbal expression of boredom . Which makes sense - Fundawear is essentially like laying a hot-pack of remote controlled vibrators on your crotch . Male stimulation doesn't really work this way , biologically speaking and whatnot . The last man who tried masturbating with a vibrator ended up with a confused penis . But it doesn't really work for women , either . At 1:32 the woman starts saying "Keep doing that , harder !" to which her man replies "If I do it any harder , I'll just break the phone ." And that , right there , is the sad truth - you absolutely cannot do anything any harder . Foreplay is nice , but it's a prelude to sex, and at no point in history has the definition of sex been "trembling underwear" (which would a pretty good band name) . The woman eventually grabs her pillow and hugs it tightly , because what the hell else is she going to do ? We can imagine that , shortly after this video , both the man and the woman logged off to cheat on each other with vengeful fury . And the video doesn't even address some of the more troubling implications of Fundawear - since it's connected to online servers , the app will most definitely be hacked , allowing some lunatic to break unannounced into your candlelight Skype date and start ghost-molesting you like Barbara Hershey in The Entity . And then there's the people who will simply buy a pair and wear them around all day , sending<b> diddle </font></b>commands through their iPhones while they're sitting next to you on the bus or during a showing of Man of Steel . Which I think I can live without (for now anyway) . That's my blog and I'm sticking to it Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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Fucking HILARIOUS!.......Thats all I have to say. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.
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It's so sad when all of our little perversions that we think make us so special and different, start being mainstream marketed.    
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Some of your posts should have warning labels, choking hazard do not eat or drink while reading. The photo reminds me of an episode of Red Dwarf when they turn a parakeet into a T-Rex. AmericanBaronin is a fan of Red Dwarf and she lived with me for awhile. Baronin is a variation of Baroness. I have the utmost confidence in your ability to find a queen here. Personally I wouldn't look, but I believe wholeheartedly in to each his own. The way people jump when their phone is on vibrate and in their pocket is enough to indicate some of the hazards. You think texting and driving is bad! The boob squeezing scene in the "Entity", I liked that. I like most boob squeezing scenes in movies. The Rocky Horror Picture Show has a scene where Rocky is squeezing Susan Sarandon's boobs. HOT! When Poltergeist came out my nephew, who was fairly young at the time, referred to the one effect sequence as the throat. It didn't remind me of a throat, but I'm not going to talk about speculums {speculae? spellcheck isn't happy with either} with a kid. And you could always send the bodily fluids through the mail. {special delivery} Crosswords increase your vocabulary. Cross words increase your blood pressure.
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That gives me an idea for a new game show where people try to predict if their spouse (or whatever) will agree with Sylvester Stallone Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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It's so sad when all of our little perversions that we think make us so special and different, start being mainstream marketed. Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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Some of your posts should have warning labels, choking hazard do not eat or drink while reading. The photo reminds me of an episode of Red Dwarf when they turn a parakeet into a T-Rex. AmericanBaronin is a fan of Red Dwarf and she lived with me for awhile. Baronin is a variation of Baroness. I have the utmost confidence in your ability to find a queen here. Personally I wouldn't look, but I believe wholeheartedly in to each his own. The way people jump when their phone is on vibrate and in their pocket is enough to indicate some of the hazards. You think texting and driving is bad! The boob squeezing scene in the "Entity", I liked that. I like most boob squeezing scenes in movies. The Rocky Horror Picture Show has a scene where Rocky is squeezing Susan Sarandon's boobs. HOT! When Poltergeist came out my nephew, who was fairly young at the time, referred to the one effect sequence as the throat. It didn't remind me of a throat, but I'm not going to talk about speculums {speculae? spellcheck isn't happy with either} with a kid. And you could always send the bodily fluids through the mail. {special delivery} Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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Back in the days of CBs and BBSs I used the handles Wild Rice and Ricearoni, maybe you're psychic? Crosswords increase your vocabulary. Cross words increase your blood pressure.
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